Bryan's Blog :)

Entries

Friday, July 15, 2005

My mind is confused. I have no idea what to say. It hurts. It does. God cares. His care is so sweet. They care. Their care hurts. His care is boundless. Their care has a limit. His love never ends and I know it. Their love will end one day, but as of now, my faults are blinding me. They love me no doubt, but i can't see it. They know more. Should they? Is what they view me correct? The truth? It matters. If it's not then they are wrongly witnessing. But it's still their opinion. I must have done something to say things like that. So it's credible. Reliable! The things they say are to help me. Not to hurt me. They seem different. But that doesn't mean that will change a friendship. Or have i changed? I start to see things wrongly? I DO NOT want to loose them. But it fels too hard already. The times have changed. People change. Do they want it to be the way it was? I cannot tell... Maybe it's the starting of a blissful relationship? They are begiining to care, for they are correcting me. Or maybe they think that next year would be separation? I still don't know. I mean, i like them. I love them. I would......... if i had to. The way they put it is so harsh. Hurtful. Sad. Mean. And they refuse to tell me. Why? They don't want me to be a better person? Or they do not want to hurt me? It works both ways right?
Bitchiness? Hypocrisy? Exaggeration? False testimonial? Do i really posess those? Bitchiness... yes? Can i deny it? Refer to it as pettiness... Admit?? YES... Hypocrisy? Promise breaking... Terrible attitude towards other people. Acting the self that's not me. ADMIT?? YES... That's horrid of me. But how can bitchiness be one of the hypocrisies? Does it benefit me if i were sissy? Still continue? No... But i do think i have a minimum chance of changing... ADMIT? YES... Exaggeration? Screaming... Sharp screeching... Irritating... Somewhat odd only... ADMIT?? YES... False testimony? Lies... Falsehood... Deception. Hiding truths... Am i so cruel? Are these TRUE?? ADMIT?? YES... They are... That's how much i have sinned... Much MORE to be precise... And they are making me realise... Only God can help me now.

Fine... My fault... What did i do? I think too much. Maybe it was unknowingly? All the more, it shows that it has become a habit... They put it across to others. Like it doesn't involve me. How do i know? "They" tell me. What else? I don't blame either party. As i said, it works both ways. Maybe they do not want me to think too much? Or they are actually just irritated by it only. Small deal? Or is it not? It blocks my chain of thoughts because i stop dead in my tracks here. If they did not want me to change however, it's a whole new story. I know how some people can be downright mean and sluttish. I have haerd more than enough stories to know. But it's ruled out. Nobody i know of can ever be that mean. Not even if i know what they are capable of. They look so cheerful when i see them but they suddenly become serious and ignorant when i'm near. More often it's outside home and school that i can tell the difference. Should i bother? I don't know what to say. Would i have done the same thing? I'm not sure... It's chaos and havock in my mind now. There are factors to consider.

I can't follow the crowd. Literally... Figuritvely... I can't relate and i mustn't relate. There are constrictions that affect my thoughts and motives. Propoganda is very strong. Sometimes, i do not even know whether it's correct or wrong. I analyse and act out accordingly. Or at least i hope i do. God made it clear. Follow Jesus or follow him. it's not a sacrifice. It's a decision. Besides, i do not get to miss the fun of life. But there are things that i must do and things i must not. I need God's help now... Seriously need it. After all, even if nobody loves me, God does. And it doesn't matter if they do. They come as a bonus. The love i long from them can only be so much. Ultimately, it cannot affect me spiritually. But, point taken.... Even bullying me helps me in one way or the other... Don't fight back when i can control it. Just get the ulterior motive of that action take. What can't kill me will only make me stronger... So, thanks to them... Lord, bless them....

barked at
4:52 pm